Denim

It looks like life is back to sleeping in. I have had two interviews, and one no thank you. One more interview on Thursday afternoon.

So…….back to sleeping in, and wearing jeans. I still have not quite escaped this hell hole, but only have 4 days to go. This is pay week though, so getting paid on time or even at all, remains to be seen.

It will be great to finally go home to stay, I have really missed it, and the DOG. Fancy having him two houses away, and having visitation rights only. However, we did agree that if we were to return, they would keep the dog. Fair is fair. I have to say, I don’t miss the hair. Long haired Saints are continually shedding. I swear you could spin the hair and knit a jumper out of it.

I have finally got somewhere with the Dept of Immigration, and am allowed to sit my citizenship test on the 26th May. About time too! I had a very understanding person on the other end of the phone, who showed a lot of common sense. No around and around the “what is your passposrt number”, I don’t have one, “what is your permanent residency number”, I don’t have one, etc. No arguments this time.:)

Anyway, back to sleeping in………

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Crashed, Trapped & Burned

Have you ever got to that place in your life, when you feel you have crashed and burned? I don’t mean literally.

That place where you feel you can go no further, you are stuck. Everything seems to be at a standstill. Stuck in a job you don’t like, in a place that you hate more and more each day.

You feel you will be at this place forever, no moving on. You’ve given up on being well off, with a reasonable house and NO mortgage. I forgot to ad the credit card, definitely NO creditcard. Well, no credit card debt, anyway.

The car, another thing I’d love to ditch. Payments, that is.

I have a job interview next week, I guess in the end it will become the same. A means to an end. It just feels as if it will never end.

I’m not sure if I have ever loved my job. I can’t remember when I last jumped out of bed, and couldn’t wait to get to work. I don’t think it has ever happened.

The icing on the cake: Not being paid on time. Three times in a row. Can you believe they told us to move our direct debits forward 2 days, because they couldn’t guarantee we’d be paid on time? I believe the words were “We’ll go broke together” Can you believe that shit?

I rebelled and got to work very, very late. When asked my reason, I said if she couldn’t pay me on time, I couldn’t get to work on time.

On another topic, Victoria still has 15 fires buning. Different areas being threatened, more stress on families. Now they are talking about only re- building the homes that were insured, how un fair is that? Over two thousand homes lost, and two and a half thousand sheds, multiple businesses.

I guess that’s my bit said for the end of the month.

Dishonest & Bitchy Bloggers – Not Angelic

I’ve been reading quite a bit of a night, lately. The trend is a little disturbing, hence I am not going to be Angelic at all. I’ll cut straight to the chase.

I’m pretty well honest, straight down the line. Above all else, I would put honesty first in any sort of relationship, be it home, work, play or blogging.

Most bloggers are annonymous, some good, some bad. Anyone who has built up a reputation cannot afford to make a mistake. For example: A regularly abusive commenter, which makes more timid bloggers less likely to comment.

I have been visiting a certain blog lately, that is showing disturbing trends, bordering on either abusive, or just plain straight out bitchiness.

I’ve been in that position before, where one person can basically get away with anything, whereas another who comments on this trend, is deemed a ‘troll’.

Now, bitchiness is another thing I dislike. When one says something out of spite, they will probably get a reply from the recipient, who is a little upset at being antagonised for no real reason. The first party realises she has made a mistake in front of everyone on the blog, then in a completely condescending manor, makes light of it.

Then there are the people who comment under a variety of names, some very clever and adept at not getting caught out. I actually tried this out, but couldn’t continue being several people at once. Too hard to keep up with the lies.

The other label, which I didn’t include is Reformed Nasties. You never know if you can trust them or not. You read their posts, but decide never to comment because you don’t feel secure. There is no trust, and probably never will be.

I decided to just be me. What you see is what you get. Attack with an argument, don’t attack the man, don’t be condescending, and never underestimate.

A friend emailed me the olther day, told me others were not euipped to deal with my straight out, down to earth attitude. He’s probably right. I cut close to the chase. Deal with it.

Angels Child

This pic gives me the absolute creeps. The girl reminds me so much of someone that is no longer with me. Same face, same eyes, same hair. My spine started to tingle, and my senses became super alert. The air seemed to crackle with I don’t know what.

Questions:

Does a parent ever forget? If they do, how long does it take? Do you ever stop feeling guilty or blaming yourself for (in this case) an avoidable accident. When does your heart stop breaking? Do the tears subside?

I wish I knew the answers. Same old story. When I close my eyes at night, all the awful things that have happened seem to just come to the fore. I can’t stop thinking about them.

I learned to meditate, it took a long time but I did it. I used to imagine a house in the mountains, on top of a hill covered in snow, and a view of the valley below. I’m physically at a similar place now, but can no longer meditate.

I think I need to get back to basics, give myself a bit of leeway. We have a break of 10 days coming up. I want to go to my spiritual home and spend a few days there. Maybe that will put me on the right track, so I can save myself. Again. Thank goodness for a husband who understands.

MAIMONIDEAN CODE & TALMUD

http://www.biblebelievers.org.au/jewhis.htm

Read this link. Fascinating, written by Prof. Israel Shahak, Jewish Historian. He says of his OWN Religion “a world sunk in the most abject superstition, fanaticism, and ignorance …” Below this another review, from another source. It’s worth reading.

“Does not their Talmud say, and do not their rabbis write, that it is no sin to kill if a Jew kills a heathen, but it is a sin if he kills a brother in Israel? It is no sin if he does not keep his oath to a heathen. Therefore, to steal and rob, as they do with their usury, from a heathen is a divine service. For they hold that they cannot be too hard on us nor sin against us, because they are of the noble blood and circumcised saints; we, however, are cursed goyim. And they are the masters of the world, and we are their servants, yea, their cattle…

Well, what can one say? IT IS NO SIN TO KILL A PALESTINIAN???

“In 1962 a part of the Maimonidean Code … the so-called Book of Knowledge, which contains the most basic rules of Jewish faith and practice, was published in Jerusalem in a bilingual edition, with the English translation facing the Hebrew text. The latter has been restored to its original purity, and the command to exterminate Jewish infidels appears in it in full: “It is a duty to exterminate them with one’s own hands.” In the English translation this is somewhat softened to: “It is a duty to take active measures to destroy them.” But then the Hebrew text goes on to specify the prime examples of “infidels”who must be exterminated: “Such as Jesus of Nazareth and his pupils, and Tzadoqand Baitos [the founders of the Sadducean sect] and their pupils, may the name of the wicked rot.” Not one word of this appears in the English text on the facing page (78a). And, even more significant, in spite of the wide circulation of this book among scholars in the English-speaking countries, not one of them has, as far as I know, protested against this glaring deception.”

Angels= Good Taste, Israel= Bad Taste

This guy obviously has good taste. He has gone to the expense and trouble of having an Angel tattooed on his back. And, before you ask, I haven’t got a clue as to who he is, but like the pic.

Talking of good taste. Israel hasn’t got any, in fact doesn’t have much going for it at all.

You know, I can’t find anything nice to say about Israel at all. Not a thing. Their administration must have taken notes from GWB. OR, is it the other way around? They both have this inherent lack of humanity, say things with such smugness it makes you sick.

The humanitarian crises in Palestine is appalling. Israel bombed the UN for God’s sake. They even said the UN compound was targeted because that’s where the rockets were coming from. On top of that they apologised, and said they were mistaken. Meanwhile, much needed food and supplies for war torn Palestinians were destroyed, and more lives lost. Oops, nearly forgot that they bombed the Al-Quds Hospital.

Israel declined a cease fire. What does that say about them? After what they claim to have gone through, why are they in turn treating Palestinians like this? Don’t they recognise human suffering any longer? HAVE THEY FORGOTTEN? No way. We are reminded of it at least once a week, via news, movies and endless documentaries.

ISRAEL: YOU HAVE LOST YOUR HEART. YOU HAVE LOST WORLD RESPECT. Most of all, you have KILLED INNOCENTS.

Another hand in glove with America. Why does that NOT surprise me?

You know, if this is what the God of the Israelites is all about, I don’t want any part of him.

Angels Hell

This morning when I woke up, I wondered where the fun in my life had disappeared to. When exactly, did life become all work and no play? Did it just happen? Or did I work myself up to it?

The realisation came a couple of days ago, the catalyst I believe, was when I couldn’t find my favourite white shirt.

I turned the wardrobe upside down, looked in the washing basket, and in the dryer. The fairies must have nicked it, along with by black heels.

I decided to clean the wardrobe ( two wardrobes) and drawers out, with a strict policy, if I hadn’t worn it for a year, out it goes.

Washing and ironing done, everything hanging in color coded order. Shoes in the same order on the rack, bags lined up on the shelves. Knickers and bras folded neatly, along with socks and stockings.

Since when did I need 18 white shirts and only wear 3, and how come I have 22 pairs of knickers? As if I didn’t do the washing a couple of times a week! So many pairs of shoes, of which I wear only a couple, because the rest kill my feet. And, the bag I had to have, which I bought 3 months ago, and cost the best part of $200. I loved it in the shop, I don’t like it any more, so it is lined up with the other 11 bags. To top it off, I haven’t used it.

When did this happen to me, how could I let it happen? My credit card bill is $17,000. No wonder I work long hours and hardly get a spare minute to myself. I’m too busy being an over spender, over achiever, making sure my team never fails to meet their monthly sales target, and being a “can do, no problem” person for the boss. When did I start working 12 hour days? Can’t remember, it just sort of happened along the way.

I get stressed and mail order. Work stresses, family stresses, they have merged and become one. I can no longer draw a line between the two. There is no time to de-stress, no time to sit and do nothing. No time for my favourite things, reading, blogging, gardening, I can’t dance either, it isn’t ‘productive’.

I say no time because I have to be busy, I can’t relax, have lost the art of reading for pleasure, and doing nothing. When was the last time I had fun, without shopping? I can’t remember, it’s too long ago. When was the last time I didn’t feel pressure, from one source or another, and when exactly was the last day I didn’t have a headache?

How did I turn into this person? When did I start to look at the world from the outside, instead of joining in? How do I find my way back home?

Guardian Angel at Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone, especially PHD, if he reads this. Always believe in your Guardian Angel. She is the one who loves you always.

Where we live has embedded electricity, phone and internet. The company buys the utilities at a cheaper price, and sells to us, also at a cheaper price.

The embedded supplier has gone into receivership, and the receiver has cut our internet, thankfully left the power on, and downgraded our phone lines to bare minimum.

Until the company sorts this out with the receiver, we are stuck. I am doing this at work. So to everyone, have a great Christmas, and a safe and happy New Year.

By the way, no net is driving me NUTS!!!

Angels Treasure

An emotive portrait by itself, without taking into account the memory of a child that is lost to you.

The meaning of lost doesn’t necessarily mean dead. There are many ways to lose a child, death is one that I have already experienced. Drugs and alcohol are two more, but you love them always, no matter what.

I’ve been told to implement “tough love”, a strategy for a parent to use in times of crises. I don’t think I can do it, I’m not that strong.

I keep waiting for a call that says he is dead, or one that says he has had another heart attack, due to drug and alcohol abuse. Note: I said ‘another’.

For months I have been unable to sleep, except on rare occasions. For months every time my head hits the pillow, I have panic attacks. Every time I shut my eyes his face appears. I don’t know what to do any more. In my own way, I am as lost as he is.

I have had this pic for months, I have written about it many times and not published anything. It’s to damn hard.

Angel the Ice Queen

There are many times in my life where I have been called the “Ice Queen.

The reason? Because I don’t show emotion. I never react at the time disaster strikes, it’s always behind closed doors, when everyone is tucked up, and fast asleep.

I guess the posts going back to The Bag in the Cupboard, parts 1, 2, and 3, are the one’s to hi light the reason behind the name.

I can tell a story as the ‘third’ party looking in, although in fact I am usually one of the main characters. Most of my posts are real life experiences and looking back, I know when the pattern commenced.

I know exactly how long it will take me to react to a disaster, pinpoint to the hour that I will allow myself to cry, and know when I will have the required repercussion to the event, a panic attack or two, maybe three.

I have the ability to be involved, yet remain apart at the same time. Until that particular time comes, when I fall apart. Hence the title, “Ice Queen”. Do I deserve the title? I struggle to keep everyone together in a crisis, when they are falling apart, I sacrifice a part of me to keep them together.

I have been asked to read a Eulogy. I don’t think I can do it, in fact I know I cannot. Not only that, I don’t want to do it. The reason? I will lose my title, and cry. People will make a fuss, I’ll get comments like “that’s a first”, or “look, she’s crying.”

I want to keep my title intact. The question is, at what cost?

I might add that “Ice”, the word, is much closer to my family than I would like it to be.

http://wwwyesterdayschildrenbook.com/

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